Monday, 29 February 2016

Resolution 16

It is a leap year (boing!) and its the 29th today!
Also, today is the day where I finished my New Years resolutions - I said I would do yoga everyday until the end of February (I have) and I also made jam (twice) - hurrah! I started in January with 30 Days of Yoga with Adrienne, who is fabulous, and since then I have been working my way through her other videos seeing what I feel like on any given day

Sunday, 28 February 2016

Follow the Leader

I did one of those silly quizzes online recently, like what type of shoe are you? (Flip flop) What type of dog are you? (Dalmatian) What is your spirit name? (Sky peace in Chinese. Maybe), and I did a personality one and the result was that I am a natural born leader. Hmmm. I was a little uncomfy with that and that got me thinking.
Why does leadership scare me? Maybe I think I'll mess up, I don't have the skills to do that. Or the confidence. Or the bravery. Maybe the only leaders I have seen have been pushy and I don't want to be like that - I learnt young that people call me bossy when I take charge and in a woman in our culture that is seen as tantamount to being unlovable. Maybe all those things.
Some of those things come down to the way leadership is presented and what is required - to assert yourself, to steam ahead of others, to become top dog, and none of that sounds appealing to me.
Listening to Claire Zammit talk about leadership has been illuminating, she says leadership in the feminine paradigm would be more like Glinda the Good Witch or a fairy godmother - where she waves a wand that will bless and actualise the people around her, here the magic wand is the power of connection and relatedness. Feminine leadership is not about doing it perfectly but doing it wholeheartedly. The only difference between women who lead and women who don't is willingness - not that they have the answers, not that they have more capacity.
Well, that sounds much more up my street, but I still don't really know what leadership means in my own context. I don't have drive or ambition particularly, so where do I begin? Zammit says begin with the places in your life where you feel irritated, victimised or disempowered and transform them - what would it look like for me to generate change there? If it was up to me what would I create? If I saw myself as being that powerful, how might I show up that generates an opening for that?
The thing about all this is that this is about collaborating, this is about making the world better, but it's also about power, and I guess I have to get used to the idea that I am powerful, that is the stumbling block for me. And I also think, well, who am I to change these things around me? I have no expertise, no influence. But actually all of us influence people every day whether we know it or not.
So the question is, if I really thought I had the power to change any situation, what would I change? What do I want to create in the world? In essence, what is it I value? Or maybe put another way, what gives my life meaning? Once I have contemplated that then I can take a stand for that in the world.
So many big questions... I think maybe I'll have to daydream over many cups of tea and see where my mind goes to the most and then I'll have some idea of where to start. After that it's then one step at a time and who knows where we could all end up. Maybe I'll end up a fairy godmother after all.... I've always wanted my own wand 😉

Thursday, 18 February 2016


Saramica hosted a Valentines day competition called 'To the Moon and Back' - and I was one of the winners! I got them through the post this morning, it was so exciting!

If you haven't seen her work, go to Sara's website, she uses natural materials to create jewellery - one of my most commented pairs of earrings are some reak acorns covered in brass with pearls in them. Beautiful!

Wednesday, 17 February 2016

Impromtu Entertainment

I had sign language practice today with a colleague and she said she had to cut it short because she was going to a concert in the music hall on campus and did I want to go? I wasn't doing anything else so I ended up going to see a choir and an orchestra perform pieces in French, I'm not sure what they were about, Louis VIII maybe? It was very fun all the same! I met a couple of the ladies from our admin dept. and I'm set to go for coffee with one of the girls on Friday. Fun! The choir was amazing, and the orchestra were lovely. The performance was only 40 mins, but I really enjoyed it.

Sunday, 14 February 2016

Happy Valentines!

Today is a Sunday which means Sunday dinner! All of the housemates are single at the moment so we got to share a nice dinner together - we had melted Camembert with focacia as a starter, pea and mint risotto as a main course and then I made chestnut-chocolate cake as a dessert - which we smothered in custard. After dinner we went to the local pub quiz where our team won! I say our team because I think I contributed one right answer, but hey ho, its the team spirit that counts, right?! I hope you were all feeling the love today xox

Monday, 8 February 2016

The Future is Calling

I am walking through a meadow, the sunlight is streaming down as I wade though the wildflowers. I can hear insects buzzing and there is a light breeze. I am walking in my brown boots, slowly, lightly, smelling the fresh air and being warmed by the sun shining. I am walking towards a light.

As I get closer I am aware of a figure in the light, sitting in stillness, eyes serene. I kneel in front, basking in the light, a different type of warmth. There is something I need you to do for me. What? I ask. Show people the way to love. Be trust and faith in this world. I bow my head and soak in that thought.

I am walking through a meadow, sunlight streaming, the insects still buzzing around the beautiful wild flowers. There is a lady in front of me, standing waiting for me to reach her. As I get closer I realise that she is me, of indeterminate age, she spreads her arms out and gives me a hug. She is wearing a pretty, soft pink shift dress. She looks happy and content and balanced but with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. She looks at me directly, and smiles and says, the most important thing for you to do now is to get your joy back. What you need to fulfil your purpose is joy. Really look at things, slow down, breathe. When you feel joy, you will trust, things will come, doors will open.

If I had that reassurance, that groundedness and grace, what would my life be like? I would be more relaxed, I would worry less, accept myself and others more. I wouldn't have to impress anyone, I could just listen and be myself, loved, cherished and very, very joyful. What do I need to do to show people the way to love? What do I need to be trust and faith in this world? I need to practice being joyful. I say practice because that's what it is, a habit. I will be joyful when I remember, and in time I will become more and more joyful, more and more myself. I think that is what I really want out of life, to fully be myself. As Claire Zammit says. 'There is no competition if the game you're playing is to fully be yourself'.

I will start to create my future here, I will start to grow towards the woman I want to be, like a rose seed stretches to become a rose, like an acorn grows to become an oak. My future is calling me.

Wednesday, 3 February 2016

Some days....

Sigh. So I felt really achy last night and I woke up today with a bit of a cough and a stuffy nose. This is on top of my gums being silly and an allergic reaction that will not go away. I was miserable. I was scheduled to see the nurse anyway - the blood tests say its a dust mite allergy. But that still begs the question of why the anti histamines aren't really working well. Could it be a form of eczema? Could it be a fungal infection? Who knows. Certainly not the nurse. She basically doomed me to a life of constant cleaning and asked me if I could take up the carpet in my bedroom and put down lino. I asked her for a hormone imbalance test and she said there isn't one and it wouldn't do much good. I came out of the office wanting to cry.

When I spoke to Jules about it she asked if it could be mental. I think it is getting worse with stress but I don't think that is the root cause. So my question to myself is, what is going on? What do I need?

Well, all of this is coming at the same time because I need to slow down and rest. Ok. When I feel into it I think the rash is because of an imbalance inside of me. So what have I learned? That it's easy for me to panic and want to give up....when all I really need is a hug and someone to listen to me. I also need to listen to me too. So yes, I'll go back to the doctor and I'll go to the dermatologist, but maybe while I'm waiting for that appointment I'll rest, give myself some space, go for some alternatives and see what they say. Most of all though I'll tune in more and see what my deeper, wise self has to say about it too and then act on that intuition. Because as much as I trust experts, this is an opportunity for me to trust myself too.