Sometimes I get this pain in my heart, I feel constrained somehow, my energy trying to break through. Recently I've been sitting with that feeling, trying not to push it away. It feels like 6 year old me, in white woollen tights and little wellies, her curly hair all dishevelled. This is a vulnerable part of me. How do you feel? I ask her. Scared, she says. I can see that you are scared, I say. She leans in for a hug. What do you need? I ask. Love, she replies, looking at me with big anxious eyes. I can see that you need love. I hug her and repeat this again. I can see that you need love.
When I feel all this in my heart, the adult part of me expands, I feel compassion for that small girl in the wellies with messy hair. I don't try to fix it, for now I'm just trying to sit with it, to listen to her. When I finish hugging her, I imagine light coming from my heart, expanding, big enough to wrap around that hurt energy of hers and make her feel heard. In this way I connect and integrate those parts of me that are stuck, that dictate my fears even now.
Some days, on those black dog days, that pain in my heart is all I can feel. I don't matter, I think. I won't get my needs met, I have to do all this alone, it's never going to work out for me. But other days I tap into a deeper truth, behind all the flotsam and jetsam of hurt, the truth that whispers Love is everything, you are finding people who love you how you are, you matter immensely, the world is beautiful. On those days, I pause to look at my life and I realise: I'm not alone now, people love me, Life will take care of me, I matter and I'm completely worthy of love. Those days the little girl inside me jumps in leaves and dances around in joy. Those are the days when my adult self becomes grounded in truth and my light shines brighter and further than before. Maybe every day could be a wellies and messy hair day.